by Guy de Maupassant
May 8th. What a lovely day! I have spent all the morning
lying in the grass in front of my house, under the enormous plantain tree which
covers it, and shades and shelters the whole of it. I like this part of the
country and I am fond of living here because I am attached to it by deep roots,
profound and delicate roots which attach a man to the soil on which his
ancestors were born and died, which attach him to what people think and what
they eat, to the usages as well as to the food, local expressions, the peculiar
language of the peasants, to the smell of the soil, of the villages and of the
atmosphere itself.
I
love my house in which I grew up. From my windows I can see the Seine which
flows by the side of my garden, on the other side of the road, almost through my
grounds, the great and wide Seine, which goes to Rouen and Havre, and which is
covered with boats passing to and fro.
On
the left, down yonder, lies Rouen, that large town with its blue roofs, under
its pointed Gothic towers. They are innumerable, delicate or broad, dominated
by the spire of the cathedral, and full of bells which sound through the blue
air on fine mornings, sending their sweet and distant iron clang to me; their
metallic sound which the breeze wafts in my direction, now stronger and now weaker,
according as the wind is stronger or lighter.
What
a delicious morning it was!
About
eleven o'clock, a long line of boats drawn by a steam tug, as big as a fly, and
which scarcely puffed while emitting its thick smoke, passed my gate.
After
two English schooners, whose red flag fluttered toward the sky, there came a
magnificent Brazilian three-master; it was perfectly white and wonderfully
clean and shining. I saluted it, I hardly know why, except that the sight of
the vessel gave me great pleasure.
May
12th. I have had a slight feverish attack for
the last few days, and I feel ill, or rather I feel low-spirited.
Whence
do these mysterious influences come, which change our happiness into
discouragement, and our self-confidence into diffidence? One might almost say
that the air, the invisible air is full of unknowable Forces, whose mysterious
presence we have to endure. I wake up in the best spirits, with an inclination
to sing in my throat. Why? I go down by the side of the water, and suddenly,
after walking a short distance, I return home wretched, as if some misfortune
were awaiting me there. Why? Is it a cold shiver which, passing over my skin,
has upset my nerves and given me low spirits? Is it the form of the clouds, or
the colour of the sky, or the colour of the surrounding objects which is so
changeable, which have troubled my thoughts as they passed before my eyes? Who
can tell? Everything that surrounds us, everything that we see without looking
at it, everything that we touch without knowing it, everything that we handle
without feeling it, all that we meet without clearly distinguishing it, has a
rapid, surprising and inexplicable effect upon us and upon our organs, and
through them on our ideas and on our heart itself.
How
profound that mystery of the Invisible is! We cannot fathom it with our
miserable senses, with our eyes which are unable to perceive what is either too
small or too great, too near to, or too far from us; neither the inhabitants of
a star nor of a drop of water ... with our ears that deceive us, for they
transmit to us the vibrations of the air in sonorous notes. They are fairies
who work the miracle of changing that movement into noise, and by that
metamorphosis give birth to music, which makes the mute agitation of nature musical
... with our sense of smell which is smaller than that of a dog ... with our
sense of taste which can scarcely distinguish the age of a wine!
Oh!
If we only had other organs which would work other miracles in our favour, what
a number of fresh things we might discover around us!
May
16th. I am ill, decidedly! I was so well last
month! I am feverish, horribly feverish, or rather I am in a state of feverish
enervation, which makes my mind suffer as much as my body. I have without
ceasing that horrible sensation of some danger threatening me, that
apprehension of some coming misfortune or of approaching death, that
presentiment which is, no doubt, an attack of some illness which is still
unknown, which germinates in the flesh and in the blood.
May
18th. I have just come from consulting my
medical man, for I could no longer get any sleep. He found that my pulse was
high, my eyes dilated, my nerves highly strung, but no alarming symptoms. I
must have a course of shower-baths and of bromide of potassium.
May
25th. No change! My state is really very
peculiar. As the evening comes on, an incomprehensible feeling of disquietude
seizes me, just as if night concealed some terrible menace toward me. I dine
quickly, and then try to read, but I do not understand the words, and can
scarcely distinguish the letters. Then I walk up and down my drawing-room,
oppressed by a feeling of confused and irresistible fear, the fear of sleep and
fear of my bed.
About
ten o'clock I go up to my room. As soon as I have got in I double lock, and
bolt it: I am frightened—of what? Up till the present time I have been
frightened of nothing—I open my cupboards, and look under my bed; I listen—I
listen—to what? How strange it is that a simple feeling of discomfort, impeded
or heightened circulation, perhaps the irritation of a nervous thread, a slight
congestion, a small disturbance in the imperfect and delicate functions of our
living machinery, can turn the most light-hearted of men into a melancholy one,
and make a coward of the bravest! Then, I go to bed, and I wait for sleep as a
man might wait for the executioner. I wait for its coming with dread, and my
heart beats and my legs tremble, while my whole body shivers beneath the warmth
of the bedclothes, until the moment when I suddenly fall asleep, as one would
throw oneself into a pool of stagnant water in order to drown oneself. I do not
feel coming over me, as I used to do formerly, this perfidious sleep which is
close to me and watching me, which is going to seize me by the head, to close my
eyes and annihilate me.
I
sleep—a long time—two or three hours perhaps—then a dream—no—a nightmare lays
hold on me. I feel that I am in bed and asleep—I feel it and I know it—and I
feel also that somebody is coming close to me, is looking at me, touching me,
is getting on to my bed, is kneeling on my chest, is taking my neck between his
hands and squeezing it—squeezing it with all his might in order to strangle me.
I
struggle, bound by that terrible powerlessness which paralyzes us in our
dreams; I try to cry out—but I cannot; I want to move—I cannot; I try, with the
most violent efforts and out of breath, to turn over and throw off this being
which is crushing and suffocating me—I cannot!
And
then, suddenly, I wake up, shaken and bathed in perspiration; I light a candle
and find that I am alone, and after that crisis, which occurs every night, I at
length fall asleep and slumber tranquilly till morning.
June
2d. My state has grown worse. What is the
matter with me? The bromide does me no good, and the shower-baths have no
effect whatever. Sometimes, in order to tire myself out, though I am fatigued
enough already, I go for a walk in the forest of Roumare. I used to think at
first that the fresh light and soft air, impregnated with the odor of herbs and
leaves, would instill new blood into my veins and impart fresh energy to my
heart. I turned into a broad ride in the wood, and then I turned toward La
Bouille, through a narrow path, between two rows of exceedingly tall trees,
which placed a thick, green, almost black roof between the sky and me.
A
sudden shiver ran through me, not a cold shiver, but a shiver of agony, and so
I hastened my steps, uneasy at being alone in the wood, frightened stupidly and
without reason, at the profound solitude. Suddenly it seemed to me as if I were
being followed, that somebody was walking at my heels, close, quite close to
me, near enough to touch me.
I
turned round suddenly, but I was alone. I saw nothing behind me except the
straight, broad ride, empty and bordered by high trees, horribly empty; on the
other side it also extended until it was lost in the distance, and looked just
the same, terrible.
I
closed my eyes. Why? And then I began to turn round on one heel very quickly,
just like a top. I nearly fell down, and opened my eyes; the trees were dancing
round me and the earth heaved; I was obliged to sit down. Then, ah! I no longer
remembered how I had come! What a strange idea! What a strange, strange idea! I
did not the least know. I started off to the right, and got back into the
avenue which had led me into the middle of the forest.
June
3d. I have had a terrible night. I shall go
away for a few weeks, for no doubt a journey will set me up again.
July
2d. I have come back, quite cured, and have
had a most delightful trip into the bargain. I have been to Mont Saint-Michel,
which I had not seen before.
What
a sight, when one arrives as I did, at Avranches toward the end of the day! The
town stands on a hill, and I was taken into the public garden at the extremity
of the town. I uttered a cry of astonishment. An extraordinarily large bay lay
extended before me, as far as my eyes could reach, between two hills which were
lost to sight in the mist; and in the middle of this immense yellow bay, under
a clear, golden sky, a peculiar hill rose up, sombre and pointed in the midst
of the sand. The sun had just disappeared, and under the still flaming sky the
outline of that fantastic rock stood out, which bears on its summit a fantastic
monument.
At
daybreak I went to it. The tide was low as it had been the night before, and I
saw that wonderful abbey rise up before me as I approached it. After several
hours' walking, I reached the enormous mass of rocks which supports the little
town, dominated by the great church. Having climbed the steep and narrow
street, I entered the most wonderful Gothic building that has ever been built
to God on earth, as large as a town, full of low rooms which seem buried
beneath vaulted roofs, and lofty galleries supported by delicate columns.
I
entered this gigantic granite jewel which is as light as a bit of lace, covered
with towers, with slender belfries to which spiral staircases ascend, and which
raise their strange heads that bristle with chimeras, with devils, with
fantastic animals, with monstrous flowers, and which are joined together by
finely carved arches, to the blue sky by day, and to the black sky by night.
When
I had reached the summit, I said to the monk who accompanied me: "Father,
how happy you must be here!" And he replied: "It is very windy,
Monsieur;" and so we began to talk while watching the rising tide, which
ran over the sand and covered it with a steel cuirass.
And
then the monk told me stories, all the old stories belonging to the place,
legends, nothing but legends.
One
of them struck me forcibly. The country people, those belonging to the Mornet,
declare that at night one can hear talking going on in the sand, and then that
one hears two goats bleat, one with a strong, the other with a weak voice.
Incredulous people declare that it is nothing but the cry of the sea birds,
which occasionally resembles bleatings, and occasionally human lamentations;
but belated fishermen swear that they have met an old shepherd, whose head,
which is covered by his cloak, they can never see, wandering on the downs,
between two tides, round the little town placed so far out of the world, and
who is guiding and walking before them, a he-goat with a man's face, and a
she-goat with a woman's face, and both of them with white hair; and talking
incessantly, quarrelling in a strange language, and then suddenly ceasing to
talk in order to bleat with all their might.
"Do
you believe it?" I asked the monk. "I scarcely know," he
replied, and I continued: "If there are other beings besides ourselves on
this earth, how comes it that we have not known it for so long a time, or why
have you not seen them? How is it that I have not seen them?" He replied:
"Do we see the hundred thousandth part of what exists? Look here; there is
the wind, which is the strongest force in nature, which knocks down men, and
blows down buildings, uproots trees, raises the sea into mountains of water,
destroys cliffs and casts great ships onto the breakers; the wind which kills,
which whistles, which sighs, which roars—have you ever seen it, and can you see
it? It exists for all that, however."
I
was silent before this simple reasoning. That man was a philosopher, or perhaps
a fool; I could not say which exactly, so I held my tongue. What he had said,
had often been in my own thoughts.
July
3d. I have slept badly; certainly there is
some feverish influence here, for my coachman is suffering in the same way as I
am. When I went back home yesterday, I noticed his singular paleness, and I
asked him: "What is the matter with you, Jean?" "The matter is
that I never get any rest, and my nights devour my days. Since your departure,
monsieur, there has been a spell over me."
However,
the other servants are all well, but I am very frightened of having another
attack, myself.
July
4th. I am decidedly taken again; for my old
nightmares have returned. Last night I felt somebody leaning on me who was
sucking my life from between my lips with his mouth. Yes, he was sucking it out
of my neck, like a leech would have done. Then he got up, satiated, and I woke
up, so beaten, crushed and annihilated that I could not move. If this continues
for a few days, I shall certainly go away again.
July
5th. Have I lost my reason? What has
happened, what I saw last night, is so strange, that my head wanders when I
think of it!
As
I do now every evening, I had locked my door, and then, being thirsty, I drank
half a glass of water, and I accidentally noticed that the water bottle was
full up to the cut-glass stopper.
Then
I went to bed and fell into one of my terrible sleeps, from which I was aroused
in about two hours by a still more terrible shock.
Picture
to yourself a sleeping man who is being murdered and who wakes up with a knife
in his chest, and who is rattling in his throat, covered with blood, and who
can no longer breathe, and is going to die, and does not understand anything at
all about it—there it is.
Having
recovered my senses, I was thirsty again, so I lit a candle and went to the
table on which my water bottle was. I lifted it up and tilted it over my glass,
but nothing came out. It was empty! It was completely empty! At first I could
not understand it at all, and then suddenly I was seized by such a terrible
feeling that I had to sit down, or rather I fell into a chair! Then I sprang up
with a bound to look about me, and then I sat down again, overcome by
astonishment and fear, in front of the transparent crystal bottle! I looked at
it with fixed eyes, trying to conjecture, and my hands trembled! Somebody had
drunk the water, but who? I? I without any doubt. It could surely only be I? In
that case I was a somnambulist. I lived, without knowing it, that double
mysterious life which makes us doubt whether there are not two beings in us, or
whether a strange, unknowable and invisible being does not at such moments,
when our soul is in a state of torpor, animate our captive body which obeys
this other being, as it does us ourselves, and more than it does ourselves.
Oh!
Who will understand my horrible agony? Who will understand the emotion of a man
who is sound in mind, wide awake, full of sound sense, and who looks in horror
at the remains of a little water that has disappeared while he was asleep,
through the glass of a water bottle? And I remained there until it was
daylight, without venturing to go to bed again.
July
6th. I am going mad. Again all the contents
of my water bottle have been drunk during the night—or rather, I have drunk it!
But
is it I? Is it I? Who could it be? Who? Oh! God! Am I going mad? Who will save
me?
July
10th. I have just been through some
surprising ordeals. Decidedly I am mad! And yet!—
On
July 6th, before going to bed, I put some wine, milk, water, bread and
strawberries on my table. Somebody drank—I drank—all the water and a little of
the milk, but neither the wine, bread nor the strawberries were touched.
On
the seventh of July I renewed the same experiment, with the same results, and
on July 8th, I left out the water and the milk and nothing was touched.
Lastly,
on July 9th I put only water and milk on my table, taking care to wrap up the
bottles in white muslin and to tie down the stoppers. Then I rubbed my lips, my
beard and my hands with pencil lead, and went to bed.
Irresistible
sleep seized me, which was soon followed by a terrible awakening. I had not
moved, and my sheets were not marked. I rushed to the table. The muslin round
the bottles remained intact; I undid the string, trembling with fear. All the
water had been drunk, and so had the milk! Ah! Great God!—
I
must start for Paris immediately.
July
12th. Paris. I must have lost my head during
the last few days! I must be the plaything of my enervated imagination, unless
I am really a somnambulist, or that I have been brought under the power of one
of those influences which have been proved to exist, but which have hitherto
been inexplicable, which are called suggestions. In any case, my mental state
bordered on madness, and twenty-four hours of Paris sufficed to restore me to
my equilibrium.
Yesterday
after doing some business and paying some visits which instilled fresh and
invigorating mental air into me, I wound up my evening at the Théâtre
Français. A play by Alexandre Dumas the Younger was being acted, and his
active and powerful mind completed my cure. Certainly solitude is dangerous for
active minds. We require men who can think and can talk, around us. When we are
alone for a long time we people space with phantoms.
I
returned along the boulevards to my hotel in excellent spirits. Amid the
jostling of the crowd I thought, not without irony, of my terrors and surmises
of the previous week, because I believed, yes, I believed, that an invisible
being lived beneath my roof. How weak our head is, and how quickly it is
terrified and goes astray, as soon, as we are struck by a small,
incomprehensible fact.
Instead
of concluding with these simple words: "I do not understand because the
cause escapes me," we immediately imagine terrible mysteries and
supernatural powers.
July
14th. Fête of the Republic. I walked through the
streets, and the crackers and flags amused me like a child. Still it is very
foolish to be merry on a fixed date, by a Government decree. The populace is an
imbecile flock of sheep, now steadily patient, and now in ferocious revolt. Say
to it: "Amuse yourself," and it amuses itself. Say to it: "Go
and fight with your neighbour," and it goes and fights. Say to it:
"Vote for the Emperor," and it votes for the Emperor, and then say to
it: "Vote for the Republic," and it votes for the Republic.
Those
who direct it are also stupid; but instead of obeying men they obey principles,
which can only be stupid, sterile, and false, for the very reason that they are
principles, that is to say, ideas which are considered as certain and
unchangeable, in this world where one is certain of nothing, since light is an
illusion and noise is an illusion.
July
16th. I saw some things yesterday that
troubled me very much.
I
was dining at my cousin's Madame Sablé, whose husband is colonel of the 76th
Chasseurs at Limoges. There were two young women there, one of whom had married
a medical man, Dr. Parent, who devotes himself a great deal to nervous diseases
and the extraordinary manifestations to which at this moment experiments in
hypnotism and suggestion give rise.
He
related to us at some length, the enormous results obtained by English
scientists and the doctors of the medical school at Nancy, and the facts which
he adduced appeared to me so strange, that I declared that I was altogether
incredulous.
"We
are," he declared, "on the point of discovering one of the most
important secrets of nature, I mean to say, one of its most important secrets
on this earth, for there are certainly some which are of a different kind of
importance up in the stars, yonder. Ever since man has thought, since he has
been able to express and write down his thoughts, he has felt himself close to
a mystery which is impenetrable to his coarse and imperfect senses, and he
endeavours to supplement the want of power of his organs by the efforts of his
intellect. As long as that intellect still remained in its elementary stage,
this intercourse with invisible spirits assumed forms which were commonplace
though terrifying. Thence sprang the popular belief in the supernatural, the
legends of wandering spirits, of fairies, of gnomes, ghosts, I might even say
the legend of God, for our conceptions of the workman-creator, from whatever
religion they may have come down to us, are certainly the most mediocre, the
stupidest and the most unacceptable inventions that ever sprang from the
frightened brain of any human creatures. Nothing is truer than what Voltaire
says: 'God made man in His own image, but man has certainly paid Him back
again.'
"But
for rather more than a century, men seem to have had a presentiment of
something new. Mesmer and some others have put us on an unexpected track, and
especially within the last two or three years, we have arrived at really
surprising results."
My
cousin, who is also very incredulous, smiled, and Dr Parent said to her:
"Would you like me to try and send you to sleep, Madame?" "Yes,
certainly."
She
sat down in an easy-chair, and he began to look at her fixedly, so as to
fascinate her. I suddenly felt myself somewhat uncomfortable, with a beating
heart and a choking feeling in my throat. I saw that Madame Sablé's eyes were
growing heavy, her mouth twitched and her bosom heaved, and at the end of ten
minutes she was asleep.
"Stand
behind her," the doctor said to me, and so I took a seat behind her. He
put a visiting card into her hands, and said to her: "This is a
looking-glass; what do you see in it?" And she replied: "I see my
cousin." "What is he doing?" "He is twisting his moustache."
"And now?" "He is taking a photograph out of his pocket."
"Whose photograph is it?" "His own."
That
was true, and that photograph had been given me that same evening at the hotel.
"What
is his attitude in this portrait?" "He is standing up with his hat in
his hand."
So
she saw on that card, on that piece of white pasteboard, as if she had seen it
in a looking glass.
The
young women were frightened, and exclaimed: "That is quite enough! Quite,
quite enough!"
But
the doctor said to her authoritatively: "You will get up at eight o'clock
to-morrow morning; then you will go and call on your cousin at his hotel and
ask him to lend you five thousand francs which your husband demands of you, and
which he will ask for when he sets out on his coming journey."
Then
he woke her up.
On
returning to my hotel, I thought over this curious séance and
I was assailed by doubts, not as to my cousin's absolute and undoubted good
faith, for I had known her as well as if she had been my own sister ever since
she was a child, but as to a possible trick on the doctor's part. Had not he,
perhaps, kept a glass hidden in his hand, which he showed to the young woman in
her sleep, at the same time as he did the card? Professional conjurers do
things which are just as singular.
So
I went home and to bed, and this morning, at about half-past eight, I was
awakened by my footman, who said to me: "Madame Sablé has asked to see you
immediately, Monsieur," so I dressed hastily and went to her.
She
sat down in some agitation, with her eyes on the floor, and without raising her
veil she said to me: "My dear cousin, I am going to ask a great favour of
you." "What is it, cousin?" "I do not like to tell you, and
yet I must. I am in absolute want of five thousand francs." "What,
you?" "Yes, I, or rather my husband, who has asked me to procure them
for him."
I
was so stupefied that I stammered out my answers. I asked myself whether she
had not really been making fun of me with Doctor Parent, if it were not merely
a very well-acted farce which had been got up beforehand. On looking at her
attentively, however, my doubts disappeared. She was trembling with grief, so
painful was this step to her, and I was sure that her throat was full of sobs.
I
knew that she was very rich and so I continued: "What! Has not your
husband five thousand francs at his disposal! Come, think. Are you sure that he
commissioned you to ask me for them?"
She
hesitated for a few seconds, as if she were making a great effort to search her
memory, and then she replied: "Yes ... yes, I am quite sure of it."
"He has written to you?"
She
hesitated again and reflected, and I guessed the torture of her thoughts. She
did not know. She only knew that she was to borrow five thousand francs of me
for her husband. So she told a lie. "Yes, he has written to me."
"When, pray? You did not mention it to me yesterday." "I
received his letter this morning." "Can you show it me?"
"No; no ... no ... it contained private matters ... things too personal to
ourselves.... I burnt it." "So your husband runs into debt?"
She
hesitated again, and then murmured: "I do not know." Thereupon I said
bluntly: "I have not five thousand francs at my disposal at this moment,
my dear cousin."
She
uttered a kind of cry as if she were in pain and said: "Oh! oh! I beseech
you, I beseech you to get them for me...."
She
got excited and clasped her hands as if she were praying to me! I heard her
voice change its tone; she wept and stammered, harassed and dominated by the
irresistible order that she had received.
"Oh!
oh! I beg you to ... if you knew what I am suffering.... I want them
to-day."
I
had pity on her: "You shall have them by and by, I swear to you."
"Oh! thank you! thank you! How kind you are!"
I
continued: "Do you remember what took place at your house last
night?" "Yes." "Do you remember that Doctor Parent sent you
to sleep?" "Yes." "Oh! Very well then; he ordered you to
come to me this morning to borrow five thousand francs, and at this moment you
are obeying that suggestion."
She
considered for a few moments, and then replied:
"But
as it is my husband who wants them...."
For
a whole hour I tried to convince her, but could not succeed, and when she had
gone I went to the doctor. He was just going out, and he listened to me with a
smile, and said: "Do you believe now?" "Yes, I cannot help
it." "Let us go to your cousin's."
She
was already dozing on a couch, overcome with fatigue. The doctor felt her
pulse, looked at her for some time with one hand raised toward her eyes which
she closed by degrees under the irresistible power of this magnetic influence,
and when she was asleep, he said:
"Your
husband does not require the five thousand francs any longer! You must,
therefore, forget that you asked your cousin to lend them to you, and, if he
speaks to you about it, you will not understand him."
Then
he woke her up, and I took out a pocketbook and said: "Here is what you
asked me for this morning, my dear cousin." But she was so surprised that
I did not venture to persist; nevertheless, I tried to recall the circumstance
to her, but she denied it vigorously, thought that I was making fun of her, and
in the end very nearly lost her temper.
* * *
There! I have just come back, and I
have not been able to eat any lunch, for this experiment has altogether upset
me.
July
19th. Many people to whom I have told the
adventure have laughed at me. I no longer know what to think. The wise man
says: Perhaps?
July
21st. I dined at Bougival, and then I spent
the evening at a boatmen's ball. Decidedly everything depends on place and
surroundings. It would be the height of folly to believe in the supernatural on
the île de la Grenouillière ... but on the top of Mont Saint-Michel?
... and in India? We are terribly under the influence of our surroundings. I
shall return home next week.
July
30th. I came back to my own house yesterday.
Everything is going on well.
August
2d. Nothing fresh; it is splendid weather,
and I spend my days in watching the Seine flow past.
August
4th. Quarrels among my servants. They
declare that the glasses are broken in the cupboards at night. The footman
accuses the cook, who accuses the needlewoman, who accuses the other two. Who
is the culprit? A clever person, to be able to tell.
August
6th. This time I am not mad. I have seen ...
I have seen ... I have seen!... I can doubt no longer ... I have seen it!...
I
was walking at two o'clock among my rose trees, in the full sunlight ... in the
walk bordered by autumn roses which are beginning to fall. As I stopped to look
at a Géant de Bataille, which had three splendid blooms, I
distinctly saw the stalk of one of the roses bend, close to me, as if an
invisible hand had bent it, and then break, as if that hand had picked it! Then
the flower raised itself, following the curve which a hand would have described
in carrying it toward a mouth, and it remained suspended in the transparent
air, all alone and motionless, a terrible red spot, three yards from my eyes.
In desperation I rushed at it to take it! I found nothing; it had disappeared.
Then I was seized with furious rage against myself, for it is not allowable for
a reasonable and serious man to have such hallucinations.
But
was it a hallucination? I turned round to look for the stalk, and I found it
immediately under the bush, freshly broken, between two other roses which
remained on the branch, and I returned home then, with a much disturbed mind;
for I am certain now, as certain as I am of the alternation of day and night,
that there exists close to me an invisible being that lives on milk and on
water, which can touch objects, take them and change their places; which is,
consequently, endowed with a material nature, although it is imperceptible to
our senses, and which lives as I do, under my roof....
August
7th. I slept tranquilly. He drank the
water out of my decanter, but did not disturb my sleep.
I
ask myself whether I am mad. As I was walking just now in the sun by the
riverside, doubts as to my own sanity arose in me; not vague doubts such as I
have had hitherto, but precise and absolute doubts. I have seen mad people, and
I have known some who have been quite intelligent, lucid, even clear-sighted in
every concern of life, except on one point. They spoke clearly, readily,
profoundly on everything, when suddenly their thoughts struck upon the breakers
of their madness and broke to pieces there, and were dispersed and foundered in
that furious and terrible sea, full of bounding waves, fogs and squalls, which
is called madness.
I
certainly should think that I was mad, absolutely mad, if I were not conscious,
did not perfectly know my state, if I did fathom it by analyzing it with the
most complete lucidity. I should, in fact, be a reasonable man who was labouring
under a hallucination. Some unknown disturbance must have been excited in my
brain, one of those disturbances which physiologists of the present day try to
note and to fix precisely, and that disturbance must have caused a profound
gulf in my mind and in the order and logic of my ideas. Similar phenomena occur
in the dreams which lead us through the most unlikely phantasmagoria, without
causing us any surprise, because our verifying apparatus and our sense of control
has gone to sleep, while our imaginative faculty wakes and works. Is it not
possible that one of the imperceptible keys of the cerebral finger-board has
been paralyzed in me? Some men lose the recollection of proper names, or of
verbs or of numbers or merely of dates, in consequence of an accident. The
localization of all the particles of thought has been proved nowadays; what
then would there be surprising in the fact that my faculty of controlling the
unreality of certain hallucinations should be destroyed for the time being!
I
thought of all this as I walked by the side of the water. The sun was shining
brightly on the river and made earth delightful, while it filled my looks with
love for life, for the swallows, whose agility is always delightful in my eyes,
for the plants by the riverside, whose rustling is a pleasure to my ears.
By
degrees, however, an inexplicable feeling of discomfort seized me. It seemed to
me as if some unknown force were numbing and stopping me, were preventing me
from going farther and were calling me back. I felt that painful wish to return
which oppresses you when you have left a beloved invalid at home, and when you
are seized by a presentiment that he is worse.
I,
therefore, returned in spite of myself, feeling certain that I should find some
bad news awaiting me, a letter or a telegram. There was nothing, however, and I
was more surprised and uneasy than if I had had another fantastic vision.
August
8th. I spent a terrible evening yesterday.
He does not show himself any more, but I feel that he is near me, watching me,
looking at me, penetrating me, dominating me and more redoubtable when he hides
himself thus, than if he were to manifest his constant and invisible presence
by supernatural phenomena. However, I slept.
August
9th. Nothing, but I am afraid.
August
10th. Nothing; what will happen to-morrow?
August
11th. Still nothing; I cannot stop at home
with this fear hanging over me and these thoughts in my mind; I shall go away.
August
12th. Ten o'clock at night. All day long I
have been trying to get away, and have not been able. I wished to accomplish
this simple and easy act of liberty—go out—get into my carriage in order to go
to Rouen—and I have not been able to do it. What is the reason?
August
13th. When one is attacked by certain
maladies, all the springs of our physical being appear to be broken, all our
energies destroyed, all our muscles relaxed, our bones to have become as soft
as our flesh, and our blood as liquid as water. I am experiencing that in my
moral being in a strange and distressing manner. I have no longer any strength,
any courage, any self-control, nor even any power to set my own will in motion.
I have no power left to will anything, but someone does it for
me and I obey.
August
14th. I am lost! Somebody possesses my soul
and governs it! Somebody orders all my acts, all my movements, all my thoughts.
I am no longer anything in myself, nothing except an enslaved and terrified
spectator of all the things which I do. I wish to go out; I cannot. He does not
wish to, and so I remain, trembling and distracted in the armchair in which he
keeps me sitting. I merely wish to get up and to rouse myself, so as to think
that I am still master of myself: I cannot! I am riveted to my chair, and my
chair adheres to the ground in such a manner that no force could move us.
Then
suddenly, I must, I must go to the bottom of my garden to pick some
strawberries and eat them, and I go there. I pick the strawberries and I eat
them! Oh! my God! my God! Is there a God? If there be one, deliver me! save me!
succour me! Pardon! Pity! Mercy! Save me! Oh! what sufferings! what torture!
what horror!
August
15th. Certainly this is the way in which my
poor cousin was possessed and swayed, when she came to borrow five thousand
francs of me. She was under the power of a strange will which had entered into
her, like another soul, like another parasitic and ruling soul. Is the world
coming to an end?
But
who is he, this invisible being that rules me? This unknowable being, this
rover of a supernatural race?
Invisible
beings exist, then! How is it then that since the beginning of the world they
have never manifested themselves in such a manner precisely as they do to me? I
have never read anything which resembles what goes on in my house. Oh! If I
could only leave it, if I could only go away and flee, so as never to return, I
should be saved; but I cannot.
August
16th. I managed to escape to-day for two hours,
like a prisoner who finds the door of his dungeon accidentally open. I suddenly
felt that I was free and that he was far away, and so I gave orders to put the
horses in as quickly as possible, and I drove to Rouen. Oh! How delightful to
be able to say to a man who obeyed you: "Go to Rouen!"
I
made him pull up before the library, and I begged them to lend me Dr Herrmann
Herestauss's treatise on the unknown inhabitants of the ancient and modern
world.
Then,
as I was getting into my carriage, I intended to say: "To the railway
station!" but instead of this I shouted—I did not say, but I shouted—in
such a loud voice that all the passers-by turned round: "Home!" and I
fell back onto the cushion of my carriage, overcome by mental agony. He had
found me out and regained possession of me.
August
17th. Oh! What a night! what a night! And
yet it seems to me that I ought to rejoice. I read until one o'clock in the
morning! Herestauss, Doctor of Philosophy and Theogony, wrote the history and
the manifestation of all those invisible beings which hover around man, or of
whom he dreams. He describes their origin, their domains, their power; but none
of them resembles the one which haunts me. One might say that man, ever since
he has thought, has had a foreboding of, and feared a new being, stronger than
himself, his successor in this world, and that, feeling him near, and not being
able to foretell the nature of that master, he has, in his terror, created the
whole race of hidden beings, of vague phantoms born of fear.
Having,
therefore, read until one o'clock in the morning, I went and sat down at the
open window, in order to cool my forehead and my thoughts, in the calm night
air. It was very pleasant and warm! How I should have enjoyed such a night
formerly!
There
was no moon, but the stars darted out their rays in the dark heavens. Who
inhabits those worlds? What forms, what living beings, what animals are there
yonder? What do those who are thinkers in those distant worlds know more than
we do? What can they do more than we can? What do they see which we do not
know? Will not one of them, some day or other, traversing space, appear on our
earth to conquer it, just as the Norsemen formerly crossed the sea in order to
subjugate nations more feeble than themselves?
We
are so weak, so unarmed, so ignorant, so small, we who live on this particle of
mud which turns round in a drop of water.
I
fell asleep, dreaming thus in the cool night air, and then, having slept for
about three quarters of an hour, I opened my eyes without moving, awakened by I
know not what confused and strange sensation. At first I saw nothing, and then
suddenly it appeared to me as if a page of a book which had remained open on my
table, turned over of its own accord. Not a breath of air had come in at my
window, and I was surprised and waited. In about four minutes, I saw, I saw,
yes I saw with my own eyes another page lift itself up and fall down on the
others, as if a finger had turned it over. My armchair was empty, appeared
empty, but I knew that he was there, he, and sitting in my place, and that he
was reading. With a furious bound, the bound of an enraged wild beast that
wishes to disembowel its tamer, I crossed my room to seize him, to strangle
him, to kill him!... But before I could reach it, my chair fell over as if
somebody had run away from me ... my table rocked, my lamp fell and went out,
and my window closed as if some thief had been surprised and had fled out into
the night, shutting it behind him.
So
he had run away: he had been afraid; he, afraid of me!
So
... so ... to-morrow ... or later ... some day or other ... I should be able to
hold him in my clutches and crush him against the ground! Do not dogs
occasionally bite and strangle their masters?
August
18th. I have been thinking the whole day
long. Oh! yes, I will obey him, follow his impulses, fulfil all his wishes,
show myself humble, submissive, a coward. He is the stronger; but an hour will
come....
August
19th. I know, ... I know ... I know all! I
have just read the following in the Revue du Monde Scientifique:
"A curious piece of news comes to us from Rio de Janeiro. Madness, an
epidemic of madness, which may be compared to that contagious madness which
attacked the people of Europe in the Middle Ages, is at this moment raging in
the Province of San-Paulo. The frightened inhabitants are leaving their houses,
deserting their villages, abandoning their land, saying that they are pursued,
possessed, governed like human cattle by invisible, though tangible beings, a
species of vampire, which feed on their life while they are asleep, and who,
besides, drink water and milk without appearing to touch any other nourishment.
"Professor
Dom Pedro Henriques, accompanied by several medical savants, has gone to the
Province of San-Paulo, in order to study the origin and the manifestations of
this surprising madness on the spot, and to propose such measures to the
Emperor as may appear to him to be most fitted to restore the mad population to
reason."
Ah!
Ah! I remember now that fine Brazilian three-master which passed in front of my
windows as it was going up the Seine, on the 8th of last May! I thought it
looked so pretty, so white and bright! That Being was on board of her, coming
from there, where its race sprang from. And it saw me! It saw my house which
was also white, and it sprang from the ship onto the land. Oh! Good heavens!
Now
I know, I can divine. The reign of man is over, and he has come. He whom
disquieted priests exorcised, whom sorcerers evoked on dark nights, without yet
seeing him appear, to whom the presentiments of the transient masters of the
world lent all the monstrous or graceful forms of gnomes, spirits, genii,
fairies, and familiar spirits. After the coarse conceptions of primitive fear,
more clear-sighted men foresaw it more clearly. Mesmer divined him, and ten
years ago physicians accurately discovered the nature of his power, even before
he exercised it himself. They played with that weapon of their new Lord, the
sway of a mysterious will over the human soul, which had become enslaved. They
called it magnetism, hypnotism, suggestion ... what do I know? I have seen them
amusing themselves like impudent children with this horrible power! Woe to us!
Woe to man! He has come, the ... the ... what does he call himself ... the ...
I fancy that he is shouting out his name to me and I do not hear him ... the
... yes ... he is shouting it out ... I am listening ... I cannot ... repeat
... it ... Horla ... I have heard ... the Horla ... it is he ... the Horla ...
he has come!...
Ah!
the vulture has eaten the pigeon, the wolf has eaten the lamb; the lion has
devoured the buffalo with sharp horns; man has killed the lion with an arrow,
with a sword, with gunpowder; but the Horla will make of man what we have made
of the horse and of the ox: his chattel, his slave and his food, by the mere
power of his will. Woe to us!
But,
nevertheless, the animal sometimes revolts and kills the man who has subjugated
it.... I should also like ... I shall be able to ... but I must know him, touch
him, see him! Learned men say that beasts' eyes, as they differ from ours, do
not distinguish like ours do ... And my eye cannot distinguish this newcomer
who is oppressing me.
Why?
Oh! Now I remember the words of the monk at Mont Saint-Michel: "Can we see
the hundred-thousandth part of what exists? Look here; there is the wind which
is the strongest force in nature, which knocks men, and blows down buildings,
uproots trees, raises the sea into mountains of water, destroys cliffs and
casts great ships onto the breakers; the wind which kills, which whistles,
which sighs, which roars—have you ever seen it, and can you see it? It exists
for all that, however!"
And
I went on thinking: my eyes are so weak, so imperfect, that they do not even
distinguish hard bodies, if they are as transparent as glass!... If a glass
without tinfoil behind it were to bar my way, I should run into it, just as a
bird which has flown into a room breaks its head against the window panes. A
thousand things, moreover, deceive him and lead him astray. How should it then
be surprising that he cannot perceive a fresh body which is traversed by the
light?
A
new being! Why not? It was assuredly bound to come! Why should we be the last?
We do not distinguish it, like all the others created before us. The reason is,
that its nature is more perfect, its body finer and more finished than ours,
that ours is so weak, so awkwardly conceived, encumbered with organs that are
always tired, always on the strain like locks that are too complicated, which
lives like a plant and like a beast, nourishing itself with difficulty on air,
herbs and flesh, an animal machine which is a prey to maladies, to
malformations, to decay; broken-winded, badly regulated, simple and eccentric,
ingeniously badly made, a coarse and a delicate work, the outline of a being
which might become intelligent and grand.
We
are only a few, so few in this world, from the oyster up to man. Why should
there not be one more, when once that period is accomplished which separates
the successive apparitions from all the different species?
Why
not one more? Why not, also, other trees with immense, splendid flowers,
perfuming whole regions? Why not other elements besides fire, air, earth and
water? There are four, only four, those nursing fathers of various beings! What
a pity! Why are they not forty, four hundred, four thousand! How poor
everything is, how mean and wretched! grudgingly given, dryly invented,
clumsily made! Ah! the elephant and the hippopotamus, what grace! And the
camel, what elegance!
But,
the butterfly you will say, a flying flower! I dream of one that should be as
large as a hundred worlds, with wings whose shape, beauty, colours, and motion
I cannot even express. But I see it ... it flutters from star to star,
refreshing them and perfuming them with the light and harmonious breath of its
flight!... And the people up there look at it as it passes in an ecstasy of
delight!...
* * *
What is the matter with me? It is he,
the Horla who haunts me, and who makes me think of these foolish things! He is
within me, he is becoming my soul; I shall kill him!
August
19th. I shall kill him. I have seen him!
Yesterday I sat down at my table and pretended to write very assiduously. I
knew quite well that he would come prowling round me, quite close to me, so
close that I might perhaps be able to touch him, to seize him. And then!... then
I should have the strength of desperation; I should have my hands, my knees, my
chest, my forehead, my teeth to strangle him, to crush him, to bite him, to
tear him to pieces. And I watched for him with all my overexcited organs.
I
had lighted my two lamps and the eight wax candles on my mantelpiece, as if by
this light I could have discovered him.
My
bed, my old oak bed with its columns, was opposite to me; on my right was the
fireplace; on my left the door which was carefully closed, after I had left it
open for some time, in order to attract him; behind me was a very high wardrobe
with a looking-glass in it, which served me to make my toilet every day, and in
which I was in the habit of looking at myself from head to foot every time I
passed it.
So
I pretended to be writing in order to deceive him, for he also was watching me,
and suddenly I felt, I was certain that he was reading over my shoulder, that
he was there, almost touching my ear.
I
got up so quickly, with my hands extended, that I almost fell. Eh! well?... It
was as bright as at midday, but I did not see myself in the glass!... It was
empty, clear, profound, full of light! But my figure was not reflected in it
... and I, I was opposite to it! I saw the large, clear glass from top to
bottom, and I looked at it with unsteady eyes; and I did not dare to advance; I
did not venture to make a movement, nevertheless, feeling perfectly that he was
there, but that he would escape me again, he whose imperceptible body had
absorbed my reflection.
How
frightened I was! And then suddenly I began to see myself through a mist in the
depths of the looking-glass, in a mist as it were through a sheet of water; and
it seemed to me as if this water were flowing slowly from left to right, and making
my figure clearer every moment. It was like the end of an eclipse. Whatever it
was that hid me, did not appear to possess any clearly defined outlines, but a
sort of opaque transparency, which gradually grew clearer.
At
last I was able to distinguish myself completely, as I do every day when I look
at myself.
I
had seen it! And the horror of it remained with me and makes me shudder even
now.
August
20th. How could I kill it, as I could not
get hold of it? Poison? But it would see me mix it with the water; and then,
would our poisons have any effect on its impalpable body? No ... no ... no
doubt about the matter.... Then?... then?...
August
21st. I sent for a blacksmith from Rouen,
and ordered iron shutters of him for my room, such as some private hotels in
Paris have on the ground floor, for fear of thieves, and he is going to make me
a similar door as well. I have made myself out as a coward, but I do not care
about that!...
September
10th. Rouen, Hotel Continental. It is done;
... it is done ... but is he dead? My mind is thoroughly upset by what I have
seen.
Well,
then, yesterday the locksmith having put on the iron shutters and door, I left
everything open until midnight, although it was getting cold.
Suddenly
I felt that he was there, and joy, mad joy, took possession of me. I got up
softly, and I walked to the right and left for some time, so that he might not
guess anything; then I took off my boots and put on my slippers carelessly;
then I fastened the iron shutters and going back to the door quickly I
double-locked it with a padlock, putting the key into my pocket.
Suddenly
I noticed that he was moving restlessly round me, that in his turn he was
frightened and was ordering me to let him out. I nearly yielded, though I did
not yet, but putting my back to the door I half opened it, just enough to allow
me to go out backward, and as I am very tall, my head touched the lintel. I was
sure that he had not been able to escape, and I shut him up quite alone, quite
alone. What happiness! I had him fast. Then I ran downstairs; in the
drawing-room, which was under my bedroom, I took the two lamps and I poured all
the oil onto the carpet, the furniture, everywhere; then I set fire to it and
made my escape, after having carefully double-locked the door.
I
went and hid myself at the bottom of the garden in a clump of laurel bushes.
How long it was! how long it was! Everything was dark, silent, motionless, not
a breath of air and not a star, but heavy banks of clouds which one could not
see, but which weighed, oh! so heavily on my soul.
I
looked at my house and waited. How long it was! I already began to think that
the fire had gone out of its own accord, or that he had extinguished it, when
one of the lower windows gave way under the violence of the flames, and a long,
soft, caressing sheet of red flame mounted up the white wall and kissed it as
high as the roof. The light fell onto the trees, the branches, and the leaves,
and a shiver of fear pervaded them also! The birds awoke; a dog began to howl,
and it seemed to me as if the day were breaking! Almost immediately two other
windows flew into fragments, and I saw that the whole of the lower part of my
house was nothing but a terrible furnace. But a cry, a horrible, shrill,
heartrending cry, a woman's cry, sounded through the night, and two garret
windows were opened! I had forgotten the servants! I saw the terror-struck
faces, and their frantically waving arms!...
Then,
overwhelmed with horror, I set off to run to the village, shouting: "Help!
help! fire! fire!" I met some people who were already coming onto the
scene, and I went back with them to see!
By
this time the house was nothing but a horrible and magnificent funeral pile, a
monstrous funeral pile which lit up the whole country, a funeral pile where men
were burning, and where he was burning also, He, He, my prisoner, that new
Being, the new master, the Horla!
Suddenly
the whole roof fell in between the walls, and a volcano of flames darted up to
the sky. Through all the windows which opened onto that furnace I saw the
flames darting, and I thought that he was there, in that kiln, dead.
Dead?
perhaps?... His body? Was not his body, which was transparent, indestructible
by such means as would kill ours?
If
he was not dead?... Perhaps time alone has power over that Invisible and
Redoubtable Being. Why this transparent, unrecognizable body, this body
belonging to a spirit, if it also had to fear ills, infirmities and premature
destruction?
Premature
destruction? All human terror springs from that! After man the Horla. After him
who can die every day, at any hour, at any moment, by any accident, he came who
was only to die at his own proper hour and minute, because he had touched the
limits of his existence!
No
... no ... without doubt, without any doubt ... he is not dead. Then ... then
... I suppose I must kill myself…
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